Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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