I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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