The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
