fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
