Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
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