god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
