I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
