You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
