You don't have asthma, your pregnant
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Randomize
