Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
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