I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Randomize
