is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
