Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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