we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
