im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I need water and some morals
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
