Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize