OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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