Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
