I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
