She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
