If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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