Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
