White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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