Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
You can't just leave with hair like that
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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