remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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