i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
