We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
