She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
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