Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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