My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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