dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
