I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
