dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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