If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
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