how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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