Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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