That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
