running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
