apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Randomize
