I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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