You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
