apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
This gyro tastes like lonliness
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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