i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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