Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Just puked most of my soul out..
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
