oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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