Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize