some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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