Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
