after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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