Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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