the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize
