can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Randomize
