she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Randomize
