My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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