I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
