I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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