Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize