I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Randomize
