Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
