Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Randomize
